It gets harder each day to handle the many things that come my way. Yes, i'm blessed that work has been okay. But the tears kept coming and the fear constantly stays. It refuses to go just as this heart refuses to accept the changes that's occurring in me. Why does it always seem hard for me to take in changes? That comfort bubble again. Sighs!

Work without school has been doing pretty fine and it's only going to get tougher now that school will commence again next Tuesdayl With project barely finished, i'm iin for a really groovy rollercoaster ride in my life. I'm rushing like mad right now, trying to fit in the pieces together and no, my English doesn't help at all.

What's worse i'm suffering the worse mental breakdown ever. I suppose there's always a limit to what every human can take in in their life. I know I told myself that i can be super woman who does an all-rounder jobs. But super woman do breakdown sometimes. Don't ask me how i do cause i myself don't know what's happening to me. Work is enough worry. School is another worry. Household chores is another worry. I managed my time well, at least that's what i thought. I did the washing for the past weeks even when my sister had her off days, she didn't help! I ironed and I swept and I cleaned the toilet! And right now, I can't take it anymore. I'm mentally drained and my body is physically lethargic. And it's only three weeks in work ad i'm struggling. Oh God, guide me in the right direction :)

To add to my own misery, I am having the worse menstruation cramp I have ever felt and all i want is my boyfriend to be here. But too bad, he can't be here. And I'm an emotional wreck right now :)

Thank you, Syira for being here :)

riyah starr@ 2:09 pm

Sunday, February 03, 2008

Life's been pretty okay right now. Settling in better at work and still feeling the pampering from all corners of my life. When Aunt told me that I got the job, hell I was nervous! It wasn't anything like working in Sentosa or doing teaching. It was a lil in between. So mummy, Dee and I set sail on a shopping spree to0 Causeway Point. You see, I've managed to put on extra kilos for the three months I was left unemployed. Staying home does that to you and I put the blame on Is :- But I know the blame is only mine to keep :)

Friday night and girls going shopping was cool. I didn't have to use my own money since I'm loaning some bucks from mummy. She was more excited about finding me clothes and was all over the place just to make sure there was something that would fit me well. I had to try on tons of things just to see if it's okay. Last time, it was just see and go buy it straight away. Now, it has to take the extra mile of having to try it on. It's either tops can't fit the upper arm or the chest is too tight. Or the pants won't go up right the legs and the butt's too big! DAMN! I learnt a lesson and I still need to control the amount of food I'm eating.

Is slept over that night and sent me to school the next noon. After school, he still picked me up from school and went shopping yet again :) Bought me a pair of pants and had to endure my constant rants on being hungry. And he came over on Sunday too. Yes, mum was already saying that we met for two days already and still have to go out again. So on Sunday, we went to Changi Village to buy nasi ayam penyet. He took me around the area and I saw the other side to his life.

So Monday's the first day of work. What was scary was that Aunt didn't accompany me cause she had to be in work very early in the morning. It was okay! I wasn't exactly that confident and they gave me pretty easy tasks to complete. Is picked me up at Jurong and he treated me to Swensens. Each time I see him I feel like weeping. I get so emotional around him that I can't control how I'm feeling.

Wednesday dear boy took MC and met me on the way to work. When he dropped at Gombak, I swear I was holding back my tears. Work went alright yet again but I had to commit one mistake which lead to my breakdown. I texted Aunt and told her that I was crying. She came to counsel me. Thank God for a relative in the working place. I guess seeing Is in the morning has made me really small. And what was worse, he actually called me to ask whether I was able to fit into a top size XL. So then I knew that he was up to something. When he came to pick me up from work at Boon Lay, he handed me a paper bag and true to what I suspected he bought me a top. A nice one at that :) He's sweet and he's thoughtful. I told him that he has splurge enough money on me alone and I am very thankful for that. I told him that I cried at work and he was supportive at that.

I know I can be difficult to be around with because when we're apart, it gets harder. I say all the wrong things to hurt myself and you keep me on track again. Yes, I'm silly like that but it makes me smile to know how you're always putting me first before yourself. I see the sacrifices you made for me and I knew how I was wrong for telling you that you're one who always wants to sleep early. I know now what that means. You're willing to travel many miles to meet me despite the distance. You're willing to spend extra money on taxi rides just to meet me a few minutes earlier. Being with you has made me a more thoughtful person. Your love has made me love you more. There is nothing in the world that I'll change.

I thank you Fiza for bringing this man in my life :)

riyah starr@ 11:31 am