a good old 2 and a half hour of sleep is still not enough.
fell into deep sleep the minute my head hits the pillow.
cuddled up with princess.
fell into another deep sleep soon after the first one.
dreamless sleep and i panicked when mummy woke me up.
kinda like im dreaming that teachers' day not over.

getting out of school was good too i guess.
away from school and the people for a little while.
walked home ever so slowly.
took 12 minutes to get home instead of the usual 8 minutes.
my bag was heavy and my feet killing me.
but on the inside, im overjoyed, elated, happy.
i was walking home to the arms of hafiz.
seeing him after nearly 2 weeks was awesome.
i miss him loads and loads more.

im kinda disappointed that i couldnt watch the movie with my friends.
oh well.
there goes my no life anymore.
now i feel like i shall never ever go out again.
i think its the mood swings again.
i have bad control for my emotions of late.
somehow right now i just wanna hide myself away.
to coop up in my room all alone and to hear to only myself.
my tears.
my pain.

i feel kinda really sore right now.
my throats hurt.
i can barely talk perfectly anymore.
no more late night singings.
and when i clear my throat, it kinda hurts.
and my head feels sore too.
almost feels like im going to get fever again.
i was super burning just now.
but i guess im alrighty now.
hopefully. only.

latest news.
dee has a boyfriend.
that made me feel sore as well.
not that im jealous of not having anyone special.
just that i know i wont be able to spend time with her.
sighs.
there goes another no life anymore.
maybe this is really how it should be for me.
one by one walk away from me.
go ahead.
it may break me now but i shall not live in your shadow.
i dont understand why im so pissed of.

and im kinda sore about him.
saw glimpses of him in school the past days.
tried not to stare or look too much.
i succeeded.
but some parts of me miss just looking at him.
miss wanting to smile at him.
now all that is gone.
gone i tell you.
i dont really wanna think about it.
like he makes me feel, like im not worth his time.
like im just another girl who has a crush on him.
oh please!
i can move on you know mister.

but somehow i still believe that i will be loved someday.
im loved now.
at least by my mummy and daddy and brother.
though it gets lonely cause friends dont really keep in touch, i still should be blessed.
the next week or so im going to be on full speed loneliness.

warning:
im going to be myself.
that girl who smiles fakely.
that girl who laughs at jokes.
that girl who screams silently.
im going to be that.

alert:
my life is now to school and back home.
time is only for myself.
i shall see to that.
this saturday is the last i might wanna go out with nani.
after that no more going outs except with eileen.
dont ask me why,
i just wanna get away from the you out there.
i just have to.
its not the same anymore.
not going to be.

warning again:
ill be mean.
ill hurt you bad.

p.s syirah darling.
thanks for being online at the right time.
it kinda amazing how cheerful and at ease i can be while talking to you.
i love you darling.

riyah starr@ 10:05 pm