the chapter of khairiyah mckenzie

feeling so alone right now.

trapped in my own room just now.

afraid to even step out of it.

can you imagine being so unsafe even in your own home?

thats how i feel right now.

when i was in the train and aishah was telling me my hands are cold.

i know i get that heart pounding thingy.

i fear coming home to the cold weird feelings again.

each time in school i could see it clearly.

what he tried to do to my sister and me.

it comes clearly to my head over and over.

but i want to erase that memory away from me.

but its difficult cause i know uim traumatised by yesterday.

when i woke up this morning and wished that i didnt have to wake up.

i wished i could sleep a little longer and pray for a miracle to happen.

its like my comfort zone is either in my lonely room or away from home.

but i dragged myself out of bed so i could get out of home.

had another gloomy day.

sunny but cold outside.

was holding my tears from home to school.

my apologies huda darling for not talking cause i know when i open my mouth i would just burst out crying.

in the bus, i held my tears so bad that it almost fell again and again.

reached class and i looked around in silence.

i sat with no words and there goes the tears and the frustrations and the fear.

my falling tears which qin, adik and tata saved.

my falling tears which i cant easily erased.

it still pierce in my heart like he was the one that placed it real deep.

you know i didnt want to be near anybody?
you should know that i didnt wanna touch a stranger.
you should know that i dislike the boys this morning.
cause of what he tried to do to me.
my trauma.
my drama.

thank you my lovely ones for making me have a better day.

shiqin, aishah, geetha, jiang jin, jacky, liyun, siti, nani, huda.

you have made me whole when i was left in the dark.

you made me feel my happiness again.

you dont know how grateful i am to have you present in my life.

thank you.

yesterday still haunts me like it happened a few hours ago.

here i am still shivering in a sunny weather.

my sister and i shed the tears we wanted to tear.

we had only ourselves.

we love each other still.

yesterday when he tried to do those things to my sister.
i protected her in view of hoping that he will forget.
he remembered and tried to do those things to me.
what was i supposed to think?
banana in my hole?
lay down beside him?
scratch his thigh for him?
take a pee with him?
what the fuck!

my tears are still full right behind my eyes.

nothing can make me feel better but the shower of love from my friends.

maybe he should just take that knife and pierce himself.

maybe he should look deep within himself and stop putting up an act.

isit really memory loss?

or is he faking it?

you tell me.

i need an answer.

i shall pray for the happiness of my family.
i shall pray for the safety of my family.
i still love my daddy despite what happened.
daddy, i know you feel bad about yesterday.
its not your fault. i assure you.
cause we were the weaker species and you thought we were strong.
i dont blame you daddy cause you wanted us to be there.
now you know the story you shall know how we feel daddy.
mummy,i feel for you. your pain still. your fear for me.
you assured me that you are my safest place to hide.

got back my GP results. didnt pass unfortunately. but managed a D7 which wasnt so bad. its like a big leap. and my essay sucks!i flunk so bad for the first time. got back my economics essay. another improvement. but only manged a C. sucks! looks like im not gonna get what i wanted. so must lower standards already.

riyah starr@ 6:47 pm